Angelica wanted to find a boyfriend who she could proudly call “hers” and introduce him at the party of her friends. However, he didn’t show up in her life yet. She complained: “I am again the only single woman at a party, this sucks!”
What is Angelica doing wrong and how can you avoid that?
FIVE POPULAR “DEAD END TRAILS” AND REASONS WHY WOMEN FALL FOR THEM
Angelica and many other women describe their search for their future partner something like this:
I am open for a new relationship. I haven’t thought of it in detail, but I have an idea what I want. I haven’t met him yet, but I keep my eyes open. Meanwhile there are these old boring dudes asking for my number. I know for sure that I don’t want a guy like that, but they seem to show up anyway! Once in a blue moon, when I go on a date, they never really excite me, I guess I am too picky. Why is it so complicated, I am not asking for that much, I just want a decent guy!
There are 5 dead ends trails hidden in the above text. Can you see them? Let’s review them together.
1. I HAVE AN IDEA WHAT I WANT BUT I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF IT IN DETAIL
First trail, where Angelica got lost, was not knowing what she actually wanted. To show you the impact, below is an analogy.
Imagine you are an architect. You were hired to create the new headquarters of company ABC. This project is an opportunity of a lifetime and you want to do your absolute best. You have an idea how it will look like, so you call the construction company and tell them to start building. In six months your masterpiece is dominating the skyline and you are so proud!
Wait a moment. Did I miss something? How would the construction team know how to build it? Of course they wouldn’t. So let’s backtrack.
You have an idea about the project. You meet the investors and find out about all their requirements. What is important to them and why? What has a priority: fancy design or conservative budget? You make a first draft. You start adding details to the project and testing it until you and investors are happy with it. Your idea is now ready to become a reality.
Finding the right partner for your life isn’t any less important than designing an architectural masterpiece. Yet we assume, we don’t need to put any thought into it, beyond our initial idea. It should just somehow happen…
And here we come to the second dead end trail – the reason behind why so many women avoid thinking about what they actually want.
2. I AVOID THINKING ABOUT MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM AFRAID I WOULD MISS IT
Wanting to wake up next to your man, who gives you little kisses on your neck and says “good morning my sweetheart”, is really painful when you actually wake up alone and there is nobody to give you a hug. I know, I have been there.
Wanting anything in our life, has an unpleasant “side effect” called the GAP. The GAP between reality and our goal brings uncertainty. Can I really reach it? Am I good enough to do it? Is my goal even possible? The fear tells me: “I should not get my hopes high and then be disappointed.”
To avoid fear and the unpleasant GAP, we can just choose not wanting any new things. Then we don’t risk anything,…, anything except for wasting our life chances. The biggest regrets of the dying are not the things that have tried and failed but the things they wanted and have not done at all.
So take your chances and start thinking in details how does your day look like when you already live with the amazing man you always secretly dreamed of.
How many details are enough and how many details are too many? That leads us to the third dead end trail. Angelica believed: “If I have too many requirements, it will prevent me from finding “the one”.
3. TOO MANY REQUIREMENTS WILL PREVENT ME FROM FINDING THE MAN I DESIRE
Angelica was regularly saying: “I am not asking for too much, I just want a decent guy.” However, the only guys who showed up, happen to be “not too much”. Women who ask for little, get nothing, women who ask for a lot, get something…
Maybe you have heard that you can’t have everything in life, exactly as you want. You have to make compromises. Some women take the compromise idea and mistakenly apply it too early in their search for a man. Instead of going after what they want, they make the search too broad in fear of missing some opportunities. This approach resembles searching for a needle in a haystack. The result is counterproductive. It is not a match, so they break up saying: He wasn’t “the one”.
Instead, be specific and selective. You have hundreds of potential guys for choice. When you find a man, who seems almost perfect, you will still discover over time things, not according to your wishlist. There is no perfect human being, just like we are not perfect. Here comes the time for a compromise. “Can you love your man with his flaws?” Are you a good match on other levels that you can sustain your differences? If the answer is yes, hold each others hands and help each other on the journey called life. 🙂
4. “I AM TOO PICKY” AS AN EXCUSE, WHY I AM STILL SINGLE
We have heard Angelica saying “I am too picky” and she is the one, who can’t keep a guy, so it must be true… Or could it mean something else?
There are at least two situations when women fall on this excuse. First situation is when they aren’t really open for a new relationship, but they meet new guys anyway, because they feel lonely.
“I go on dates, but I don’t like anybody. They don’t interest me. Maybe it is because I am too picky…”
Instead you may ask: “Is there anything that I am doing that is preventing me to start a real relationship?” (Tough question for the moment, but keep reading my articles and it will start making more sense.)
Second situation is about perfectionists who try to prove themselves to an unachievable level. They don’t accept their own flaws and try to hide them. Because of holding themselves to such high expectations, they can’t accept flaws of others either.
“There is something wrong with the guys all the time. I don’t know why, it starts all passionate but after a while, when I show my real face, they freak out. I can’t be with a guy like that.”
Sooner or later the first passion wears off and the painful spot of a perfectionist gets triggered. She exaggerates the situation. The man is shocked and criticizes her back. Criticism is the one thing perfectionist can not handle calmly. Ideal relationship soon turns into less than ideal. 🙂
For the purpose of this article, notice that the “too picky” excuse has nothing to do with having too many requirements, rather with personal struggles at deeper levels.
5. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I DON’T WANT, BUT I SEEM TO ATTRACT THEM ALL THE TIME
Angelica knows exactly that she doesn’t want a weird or a boring guy and yet they magically appear all the time!
The fifth dead end trail relates to the phenomenon of a blue elephant. If I say don’t think of blue elephant, it is already too late. Your brain ignored DON’T and went straight for the content and imagined it. Similarly, when we focus on what we don’t want in a relationship, our brain ignores DON’T and magically brings us the people on our ANTI wish list. By changing the focus what you DO want, you can use your brain as you helper rather than your culprit.
START DESIGNING YOUR “IDEAL MAN”MASTERPIECE TODAY
Many women made it their life mission to mold their current partner into “something better”, mostly without success. How about designing your ideal man, before you meet him, instead of trying to fix some poor guy later on? 🙂
Start the first draft of your ideal man today! Use the three dimensions of an intense relationship, as an inspiration.
What is really important to you? What are your values and priorities that would make two of you compatible? Review and update your project regularly until you are satisfied with it.
When you have your ideal relationship description, think about what kind of a woman you need to be to attract and keep the man of your dreams. More inspiration on this topic is in my article: How my dating avatar helped me find an amazing husband and how you can do it too.