Zady was looking at me confidently across the table on our first date and nonchalantly complimented on my figure. He started to draw a picture of an adventure I could experience with him. It included slightly illegal things that are only allowed in Amsterdam. As a music producer it was normal for him to get occasionally into a creative state of mind or in other words “high”.
He presented himself as a successful fun person, who had a lot of women interested in him. However he only spends time with high quality people “like me” because he has no time to waste. I was supposed to be impressed by this statement. While he was putting up his show, I was amused by him.
He didn’t expect what came next.
He asked me about my book I mentioned during our online chat. “What is the book* about? “
I said: “I am writing about two kinds of women and their different results in life.”
The first group of women are nice, caring, supportive, hardworking, loving, selfless and compassionate but don’t seem to be able to get what they want and deserve. Their partners don’t give back as much as they think they deserve.
The second group can easily get the men to do anything they want. They use charm, flirting, flattering and later manipulations and threats to get what they want. Men are excited and would bring the blue sky just to be with these women. Many times the women are quite cold and calculative and show minimum compassion. They are very self-centered and don’t care about anybody else but themselves.
Note: * Referring to book “Tune in your Mindful Diva”
Player caught in action
As I finished my description, Zady slid down the chair as if he wanted to hide under the table, became slightly pale and said. “I feel like naked in front of you, like you know everything about me. I am like the second group. That’s how I treat women.”
From that point on, he dropped his act and started to behave like an equal friend. He was impressed and slightly uncomfortable. It was clear we were not going to date, but he found me fascinating and wanted to stay in touch. He even thought of some acquaintance of his who could be a good match for me since I was looking for a REAL relationship.
Who is playing who?
After that he opened up and shared a story. He was always the one who broke girls’ heart, never call them back after having sex and the more they cared, the less interest he showed. The story repeated until one day. He met a beautiful woman in Hungary, who carried him away into her magic world. She took him around the special places of Budapest, spent a fantastic and a passionate weekend with him. She was different than all the other girls. There was something special about her, so much confidence and independence.
He really fell for this woman and wanted to be in a relationship with her. But she was a player too. She dropped him like the dirty socks and never returned his calls. The relationship finished as fast as the weekend. He really missed her. For once he knew how it was to be played.
How to spot a player
Players are generally very confident, smooth talkers and sociable. They pay attention to details about the woman, give compliments and take action towards the physical contact. They make the woman feel special and noticed. They figure out what do you want and become just that until they have you. They have the image of the ideal lover, with the hint of danger and adventure.
On the inside however, they are only interested in themselves and their benefits. After they got what they wanted (sex, money or other advantages), they move on without any remorse.
Some women know they are always attracted to the wrong guys, but they can help it. If that is your case, see the title “HELP! – I am always attracted to the bad guys” in my free e- book “Four steps to attract Mr. Right”
During the same period I had another date. The man arrived way early and was waiting for me in front of the restaurant. He had a big smile when we met and acted as a gentlemen. As he sat across the table, he got a bit nervous. Clearly he hasn’t been seeing too many women in his life.
We had a nice conversation, here and there was a quiet moment. He seemed down to earth and sincere, not trying to impress me by some fake stuff. At the end of the evening he didn’t try to kiss me, but really wanted to arrange a second date. He was polite and not pushy at all. I felt like I could relax with him and drop the self-protective mode. I was so relaxed that I actually didn’t think this could lead to anything more. He was just too sweet.
Are good guys too nice for their own bad?
Women are attracted to men who are “manly”, show some decision skills and confidence. While we live in liberated world, women still want their man to protect them in case of some physical danger or to suggest a clear direction. When the man is too sweet, woman cant feel that she can rely on him in tough situations. Ideal is when your man can be sometimes a sweet teddy bear to hug you, strong and playful bear to turn you on and another times rough grizzly to protect his family.
On our second date, my sweet man got his confidence back, made me laugh by his witty comments and shared his life visions that impressed me. Only then I started to think of him as a potential partner. He turned out to be much more than just a good guy. He is the greatest man I met and the love of my life. He still surprises me with his broad spectrum of interests and knowledge and now I can truly appreciate how sweet he is.
How to spot a good guy
Good guys need more time to impress you, they have to build up their image over a period of 2-3 dates, in case they care about you. If they are not interested, they can be at their best already on the first date, similar to players. When people don’t care about the outcome, they can be much more relaxed and more confident.
If your first date is quite nervous, take it as a good sign. If you like him at least a little bit, give him another chance to show you what he is about. Notice whether he is willing to do some things for you that might be inconvenient for him. Selfish men would not bother too much for a specific woman, when they can get another one instead.
While being a good guy is a good start for a relationship, it is not enough by itself.
Read about Three dimensions of an intense relationship in the chapter “Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong – How to get to know each other” in my e-book. Check out more dating tips and see how easy is it to enjoy a nice date!